2014

It has been a super-busy year for us with lots of life changing events. Just thought that I'd document the year with pics so that I can remember later...

1. Teagan turned 2 in January

2. We bought our first home in April

3. We celebrated our 10 year anniversary in May

4. We welcomed Imogen into our family in August

and....

5. I started a job with the federal government in October

Looking forward to a quiet ease into 2015. Happy Holidays!

love,
the johnsons

baby sister

It's been one year. One year since we lost her.

We got pregnant surprisingly quick afterwards and because of that, I think that the grieving process was somewhat cut short. It wasn't until I was two weeks into holding and staring at the face of our newborn daughter that the "might have beens" started creeping into my thoughts again. I still lay awake some nights thinking about what it would be like to have another daughter. To have her.

Would she have been blue-eyed like my other girls?
What color hair would she have had?
Would she have loved cuddles like Imogen, or have been more independent like Teagan?
What would her name have been? Why didn't we name her?!

We found out that she was a "she" about two weeks after the D&C. DNA testing determined that the cause of miscarriage was Trisomy 22 (a chromosomal defect that is the most common cause of miscarriages in the first trimester). I still remember seeing the words "abnormal female" inked onto the lab results page. My heart sank. A sister.

Even though we became pregnant with another girl soon after, I still think about her and who she might have been on a regular basis. Her picture remains framed on my nightstand; it's from the one and only ultrasound that captured her growing heartbeat. When I was about seven months pregnant with Imogen, Teagan pointed at that picture and said, "that's baby sister." Her excitement was infectious but all I could do was look at Sean with tears in my eyes. It was baby sister, just not the one who ended up joining our family this summer. For the rest of my life, innocent comments like, "will you try for a third?" and "the third will be a boy" will always take my breath away, just a little. In this physical world, I only have two children so of course I will reply politely, without disclosing that I have already had my third baby (her name is Imogen).

I read a blog post this week about how we normalize miscarriage after it happens because it is so common (1 in 5 pregnancies end in this way). I definitely think that I did that, and in a lot of ways it was encouraging and empowering to utilize the experience to connect with others who have gone through similar losses. For me, this perspective seemed like the most healthy way to deal with loss, and although it comes from a completely genuine place in my heart, a hole still remains- I will miss her in that place forever.

A year has passed; life has moved on and I find myself not wanting to be okay with the fact that experiencing a miscarriage is a "normal" thing. It's a super-sad, life-altering thing that happens and any woman who goes through it will remember it. Always. Every little detail. Recalling all of the signs that they had prior to finding out that the baby was lost; remembering the feelings of hope that it might not be a miscarriage; replaying the conversations that they had with loved ones when they shared the news...

I heard once that parenthood is like wearing your heart outside of your chest. I couldn't agree more. Even though there will be challenging times, I am so thankful that I have been blessed to share life with two healthy and happy little girls. For their sake, I hope to continue learning to find a balance between strength and vulnerability, to hold them tight and to cherish every moment that I have with them. Watching them sleep. Reading stories. Painting. Dancing to Frozen songs. Digging in the dirt. Going on hikes. Taking bubble tubbies. Answering the question, "Why?"

It is an honor and a privilege to be their Mom.

One day, when they're older, I will tell them about their other sister and I'll answer any questions that they may have. We will likely grieve together. And we will remember her. Always.

Holding my third baby girl, Imogen Agnes, shortly after she was born.

Introducing...

Imogen Agnes Johnson
Born: August 11, 2014
Time: 6:52AM
Weight: 8lbs. 5oz.
Length: 20.5 inches

It's been a whirlwind kind of year for us, so the fact that we were able to welcome a new member into our family in August is really just icing on the cake!!

After our miscarriage last October, we weren't feeling confident in trying to get pregnant again quickly. God had other plans for us though and in December, shortly before we left for a long holiday in New Zealand, we found out that we were expecting again. To be honest, I was shocked and a little scared about being pregnant again and it wasn't until almost halfway through (at 20 weeks) that I started to feel okay about telling people our news. We had other stressors early on, too. On top of the normal feeling of vulnerability having recently lost a baby, we also learned at 12 weeks that this baby might not be healthy. Thankfully, we were able to take a new blood test which confirmed that the baby was fine, and we also learned early on that it would be another girl. Additionally, given that my due date was 3 days after my 35th birthday, my docs labeled me as "Advanced Maternal Age" (AMA), which meant that I had to have increased monitoring throughout the duration of my pregnancy. The increased monitoring was no big deal; in fact, I was used to it because of having high blood pressure with Teagan and it provided me with more opportunities to hear Imogen's heartbeat and to see her cute face. The whole AMA thing kind of became a joke because almost everyone we know in our area is in their thirties when they have children. My docs even said that "all of their patients" are AMA... haha!  

So, on August 11th at 6:52am, we welcomed beautiful Imogen Agnes into the world. Here's how it all went down:

Imogen was due on August 12 but I was pretty certain that she would arrive a little early, just like her big sister.  This was necessary (in my mind) because otherwise the doctors would have to induce me on her due date due to my blood pressure. My greatest delivery fear is the hormone-inducing drug Pitocin. I've heard nothing but horror stories about it and I wanted to avoid it at all costs. An acupressure massage helped bring Teagan along so I decided to try that again this time. Nothing. So, three days before her due date I started walking a ton and taking Evening Primrose Oil. Who knows what really did it, but around 1AM on Monday, August 11, I woke up with contractions...

Sunday, August 10 :: Walking, walking, walking...

The contractions started at about 15 minutes apart. After 45 minutes, I decided to get out of bed, take a shower, and wake up Sean. We decided to call the doctor and by 3:40AM we were on our way to the hospital. Thankfully, my mom came up to from Texas to take care of Teagan when we went into labor. My stepdad also happened to be in town for the weekend, so it was super-helpful to have them both there when it was go-time.

We arrived to Virginia Hospital Center around 4:10AM and made our way up to the L&D floor. The walk there was pretty excruciating because at that point, I was having double contractions, back to back. One lasted for 30 seconds, followed by another lasting for one minute. As we made our way to the check-in counter, a nurse approached me and gave me the most amazing lower back rub as I was having a longer contraction... she was an angel. As Sean checked us in, they escorted me immediately to a delivery room because they said I had the "labor look." It's a good thing that we got there when we did because I was already 7-8 centimeters and 70% effaced. My water broke at 4:18AM and my blood pressure was starting to get pretty high (the nurses made me labor while laying on my left side, which was super uncomfortable). I knew going in that I would need an epidural to lower my blood pressure so that they would allow me to delivery normally, so I started asking for it as soon as we got there. And, let me be honest, I didn't want to feel the contractions anymore. By the time my water broke, they were coming every 2 and 3 minutes and it was intense. More so than with my first delivery, which I can only assume is because with my first, it took a lot longer to get to the pushing stage (almost 24 hours). When the nurses told me that the anesthesiologist was on her way, my only response was, "is she running?" 

By the time the epidural was in, it was a little after 6AM and I was 9 centimeters, 100% effaced. My OB came in to check me and said that she'd be back in 15 minutes so that we could start pushing. She was right! After 3 rounds of pushing through contractions, Imogen made her appearance at 6:52AM.

It was an intense and quick delivery (only 6 hours in total!) and I am so thankful that Imogen decided to arrive literally 24 hours before her scheduled induction. We had a nice, somewhat restful 48 hours at the hospital, and then headed home to hang out as a family of four! 

While it has been full-on ever since, it's a huge blessing to have a second baby girl in our house. We love you, Imogen!! 

I had to capture the ridiculousness of my wrist bands.

 

Meeting baby sister for the first time.

Big sister LOVE! 3 days old.

First family of four outing in Old Town, Alexandria. 4 days old.

Jealous of her natural highlights.

White House Easter Egg Roll

Well, looks like the six-month blog hiatus is finally broken due to a pretty awesome experience that needs to be shared. We were totally blessed by our neighbor/friends with tickets to the 136th Annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It's pretty impossible to get tickets to this event- you either "know someone" or literally win a lottery. Given that 30,000 people attend, that's kind of crazy to think about.

 

Although we didn't get to meet the First Family, we still had an awesome time on the South Lawn. The weather was amazing! Here are a few pics from this "once in a lifetime" experience!

 

 

 

Perhaps the most exciting thing (for Teags and us!) was listening to DJ Lance Rock read stories at the story time stage. Teags doesn't have that much screen time around our house, but she does watch two shows occasionally- one of them being: Yo Gabba Gabba. If you've never heard of this show, you should watch this clip. It's definitely the most trippy kid's show out there. When she saw DJ Lance in-person, she got so excited. Luckily, her brave dad asked DJ Lance if they could take a "selfie" afterwards so that we could have documentation of Teags' first celeb encounter!





 

 

 

What a fun day! Hope you all enjoyed a happy Easter weekend.

fall fun

Yikes! Sorry about the delay in posting over the last month. I didn't mean to leave this blog on such a heavy note. 

It's been a whirlwind pretty much since Halloween with family in town, swim class, and keeping Teags busy. Here are a few pics:

Pumpkin Patch. Teags learned how to say "punkin" and it's adorable.

Sean's carving skills. George, of course.

Ballerina Chimp. 

Can't get much cuter... 

.... except when she wants to wear the chimp head with regular clothes. We went to dinner like this.

the lost Secret

If you’re cautious, you don’t tell anyone that you’re pregnant until you reach the 12-week “safety zone.” What that means is that you’re living with this incredible secret for like, three months (!), before you let the world know that your life is about to change.

Three months is a long time to sit with that kind of secret. You inevitably begin to make plans in your head about what your life is going to look like moving forward. Internal questions like,  “How pregnant will I be when (fill in the blank)?” and “The baby will be (X) old when (fill in the blank),” follow practically every conversation that you have about work priorities, personal ambitions, holiday travel plans…

And then it happens, and then it’s gone. Lost. All of that time. All of that planning. The hopes. The excitement. The Secret.

*****

It was 10PM on Thursday, October 3, 2013.

After about a week of feeling a little off and worrying that something might be wrong, we decided to go to the Emergency Room to make sure that I was just being paranoid. Blood tests, an ultrasound, and seven hours later, the doctor pulled his chair up next to my bed and said it.

“Unfortunately, I have some bad news.”

These are words that no one wants to hear in a medical setting (or anywhere for that matter). The words that followed are just a blurred memory, or maybe they just got lost like all of that time, the planning, the hopes, the excitement, the Secret.

The next morning we made heartbreaking phone calls to family members who didn’t know that we were pregnant, and to friends who did. We went in for a follow-up appointment and learned that I needed to have surgery to prevent the risk of infection. Apparently the placenta kept growing even though our baby did not. Completing the miscarriage would have been a long process; it would also have been both physically and emotionally taxing.

The whole experience of learning that we lost the baby was very surreal, and even up until the minute that they put me under anesthesia, I couldn’t believe what was happening. And then, I woke up.

*****

I learned that one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. We don’t talk about this publicly or on social media and I get it. Some people don’t want to share these losses because they are just too painful. Some people are regretful that they shared their secret before they reached the “safety zone,” only to lose it before it could become a reality.

It’s okay not to share these things; it’s perfectly normal not to want to. But we shouldn’t feel that we can’t talk about it, and that’s kind of how I feel right now.

We had an incredible, miraculous, exciting secret. But it’s gone now; it’s been lost, almost as quickly as it arrived. Because my body hadn't yet disclosed my Secret, telling people that I had a miscarriage isn't something that can be brought it up in conversation. That would be awkward. For everyone. 

And now, I feel like I have another secret. This one is dark and sad, and no one really wants to know it.

I had a miscarriage.

I have to act like my life is normal, like nothing traumatic has just happened. In reality, I am holding back tears on a daily hourly basis, still grieving over what was lost. I don't want this to be secret, so I am purposefully releasing it now.

*****

Will I be able to become pregnant again? Maybe (It's likely.). Will I be nervous if I do? Probably. Will I have faith that it’s going to work out how it's meant to? Absolutely.

But it still hurts. I can’t imagine that this kind of soul-wound ever really goes away. But I know that the grieving gets easier; it already has.

I also know that the circumstances of our loss could have been much more difficult than they were, and for that, I am thankful.

*****

I share what happened to us because I want women (and men!) struggling with secret losses to know that they are not alone.

I want you to know that it’s okay to talk about it (if you want to). I hope that you can find comfort and peace, as we have, through friends and family, through your church, or through an organized group supporting those who experience pregnancy and infant loss.

“How lucky I am to have [had] something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

– A.A. Milne

shutdown

I'm not going to say anything political in this post, except for the fact that it is a total embarrassment that our government was shutdown today. Likewise, it's maddening that our "leaders" think it's okay to hold federal employees hostage because they can't get their way over a law that was already passed and deemed constitutional by our highest court. OK. That's it.

Thanks to the Secretary of Sean's agency, he was not furloughed today, although it's uncertain how long he'll be able to go in to work if this shutdown continues. Many of our friends and neighbors are being forced to stay home without pay.

I guess if anything cool can come out of this horrible situation, it would have to be Sean and Teagan's debut on the local nightly news. Check 'em out:

(Note: you'll need to turn the volume up to hear this well.)