the lost Secret

If you’re cautious, you don’t tell anyone that you’re pregnant until you reach the 12-week “safety zone.” What that means is that you’re living with this incredible secret for like, three months (!), before you let the world know that your life is about to change.

Three months is a long time to sit with that kind of secret. You inevitably begin to make plans in your head about what your life is going to look like moving forward. Internal questions like,  “How pregnant will I be when (fill in the blank)?” and “The baby will be (X) old when (fill in the blank),” follow practically every conversation that you have about work priorities, personal ambitions, holiday travel plans…

And then it happens, and then it’s gone. Lost. All of that time. All of that planning. The hopes. The excitement. The Secret.

*****

It was 10PM on Thursday, October 3, 2013.

After about a week of feeling a little off and worrying that something might be wrong, we decided to go to the Emergency Room to make sure that I was just being paranoid. Blood tests, an ultrasound, and seven hours later, the doctor pulled his chair up next to my bed and said it.

“Unfortunately, I have some bad news.”

These are words that no one wants to hear in a medical setting (or anywhere for that matter). The words that followed are just a blurred memory, or maybe they just got lost like all of that time, the planning, the hopes, the excitement, the Secret.

The next morning we made heartbreaking phone calls to family members who didn’t know that we were pregnant, and to friends who did. We went in for a follow-up appointment and learned that I needed to have surgery to prevent the risk of infection. Apparently the placenta kept growing even though our baby did not. Completing the miscarriage would have been a long process; it would also have been both physically and emotionally taxing.

The whole experience of learning that we lost the baby was very surreal, and even up until the minute that they put me under anesthesia, I couldn’t believe what was happening. And then, I woke up.

*****

I learned that one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. We don’t talk about this publicly or on social media and I get it. Some people don’t want to share these losses because they are just too painful. Some people are regretful that they shared their secret before they reached the “safety zone,” only to lose it before it could become a reality.

It’s okay not to share these things; it’s perfectly normal not to want to. But we shouldn’t feel that we can’t talk about it, and that’s kind of how I feel right now.

We had an incredible, miraculous, exciting secret. But it’s gone now; it’s been lost, almost as quickly as it arrived. Because my body hadn't yet disclosed my Secret, telling people that I had a miscarriage isn't something that can be brought it up in conversation. That would be awkward. For everyone. 

And now, I feel like I have another secret. This one is dark and sad, and no one really wants to know it.

I had a miscarriage.

I have to act like my life is normal, like nothing traumatic has just happened. In reality, I am holding back tears on a daily hourly basis, still grieving over what was lost. I don't want this to be secret, so I am purposefully releasing it now.

*****

Will I be able to become pregnant again? Maybe (It's likely.). Will I be nervous if I do? Probably. Will I have faith that it’s going to work out how it's meant to? Absolutely.

But it still hurts. I can’t imagine that this kind of soul-wound ever really goes away. But I know that the grieving gets easier; it already has.

I also know that the circumstances of our loss could have been much more difficult than they were, and for that, I am thankful.

*****

I share what happened to us because I want women (and men!) struggling with secret losses to know that they are not alone.

I want you to know that it’s okay to talk about it (if you want to). I hope that you can find comfort and peace, as we have, through friends and family, through your church, or through an organized group supporting those who experience pregnancy and infant loss.

“How lucky I am to have [had] something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

– A.A. Milne

shutdown

I'm not going to say anything political in this post, except for the fact that it is a total embarrassment that our government was shutdown today. Likewise, it's maddening that our "leaders" think it's okay to hold federal employees hostage because they can't get their way over a law that was already passed and deemed constitutional by our highest court. OK. That's it.

Thanks to the Secretary of Sean's agency, he was not furloughed today, although it's uncertain how long he'll be able to go in to work if this shutdown continues. Many of our friends and neighbors are being forced to stay home without pay.

I guess if anything cool can come out of this horrible situation, it would have to be Sean and Teagan's debut on the local nightly news. Check 'em out:

(Note: you'll need to turn the volume up to hear this well.)

heart matters

When Teags was six months old, her pediatrician nonchalantly mentioned to us that she had a strong heart murmur. She didn't have it at her newborn check-up so it was the first time that we'd been notified about it. The doctor said it wasn't a big deal and didn't recommend that we do anything about it. 

Three months later, when we moved out of the city, we started taking Teags to a new pediatrician closer to our house. When the new doctor heard the murmur, she asked us if we were aware of it. We said yes, but that the other doctor wasn't concerned. This doctor agreed that she didn't think that it was serious, but recommended that we see a Pediatric Cardiologist just in case. So, when Teags was nine months old, she had her first EKG and her first Echocardiogram (Echo). Since she was so young and squirmy, it was hard to get great pictures during the Echo, but the Cardiologist said that things looked pretty good. She recommended that we return in about a year.

This past week, Teags had her second round of EKG and Echo tests for which she was amazingly cooperative, allowing the technicians to get perfect readings. We're so thankful and blessed to say that while she does have an innocent murmur, her heart functioning is perfectly normal! 

It's so weird to think that something health-related that is "abnormal" can be perfectly "normal," especially when you're talking about the heart. As a parent, all that I want to do is secure the safety and well-being of my child. Having the knowledge that Teagan's heart sounded different really weighed on me over the last year. Even though it was likely that she was going to be OK, there was still some part of me that felt completely helpless and scared. I know that there are parents out there dealing with their children being really sick or with chronic or fatal illnesses. Somehow, through this experience (although it pales in comparison), I hope to always remember those families in my prayers and be thankful for every healthy day that we have together. 

Feeling humbled and blessed. 

Isn't the heart crazy-complicated???

After all of the tests, waiting for the results.... 

 I took a picture of the Echo screen (sorry for the blur and glare).
The red and blue patches are blood pumping in and out of the heart.

water tots

Teags started swim class again this weekend, which at her age, really just means doing fun activities to help little ones get comfortable with being in the water. We decided to enroll her again this fall in preparation for our three-week trip to New Zealand in December... it'll be summertime there, so we'll undoubtedly be spending time at the beach and in the pool! From the looks of 'water tots week one,' I think it's going to be a fun experience!

So excited to be back at the community center pool!

 

"It's only fair, dad!!"

in the country

We finally went to a local orchard to try our hand at berry picking. Have I mentioned that Teags is a total city baby? What I mean is that, well, she's kind of apprehensive about.... grass. She's totally fine with city streets or even paved paths through the park. She's okay with sand, and boy, does she know how to use an elevator! Button pushing, even the social convention of walking in and turning around to face the door. But grass? Well, with grass she requires a lot of affirmation and coaching. That being said, we were really excited to see her get into this adventure with our dear friends, Unkie and Lolo.

Hope you enjoy the pics!

This last picture is funny to me because it remined me of our time living in Southeast Asia. This family arrived shortly after we got to the potato fields. They were all in ONE minivan! It was so cute how the kids jumped out and how the dad starting snapping pictures right away. There is something beautiful about cultures that live day-in and day-out in full-on community with one another.

nanny-mate reunion

Recently, we had a long overdue playdate with Teagan's former nanny buddy, E. It's been 3 months since they parted ways, but after a somewhat shy (re) introduction, they were two peas in pod, once again. It was so cute to watch Teags idolize E, copy his every move and just want to be near him. 

E was, and will always be, Teagan's very first friend. 

brainwashin'

So, a little thing called 'college football' started last weekend which means that we'll most likely be housebound on Saturdays at least until the end of November. Last year, the Aggies brought Sean so much joy because he finally got to see one of his teams actually win games. (He is a lifelong Cubs fan, too.)

In preparation for this season, we decided that it was time to teach Teagan how to cheer for the Ags. It actually happened pretty organically as she just started repeating us saying, "go, go" to the TV. We finally caught her on video later that night, but I have to warn you- the following looks more like an interrogation video since we filmed it in the dark with a iPhone camera light. Also, there's a lot of coaching going on...

Full disclosure: She also fell in love with our neighbor's kitty cat, Addie, this weekend. So, it's not totally clear if she is saying "Aggies" or "Addie." We'll just keep on believing that she's rooting for the 12th Man.